When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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