Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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