people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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