Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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