She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
