i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
