note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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