Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
