youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
