What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
