Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
