Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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