I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That accounts for only three of the penises
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
