I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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