Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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