haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
