it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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