So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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