i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
