You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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