My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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