If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
