hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
