eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
