I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
