You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
