I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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