I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's shark week go big or go home
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
