That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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