Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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