well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
they're like a gay fantastic four
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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