don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
