Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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