You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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