I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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