I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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