Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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