I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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