Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
