so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize