Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
