PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
