your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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