Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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