Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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