If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
