She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you remember whose house we're in?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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