remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
