Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
