this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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