i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize