just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
