The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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