apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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