wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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