I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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