life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
