There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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