I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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