My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You dont lie about slip and slides
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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