her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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